A Royal Visit
by Sirius Betelgeuse
Summary: When a foreign princess comes to visit the Mushroom Kingdom, she's shocked to learn how things really work there...


"He's a man like no other," Toad explained, eagerly leading the princess away to follow Mario. "He'll get Peach back, no matter what, as surely as the sun rising."

It had only been a day since Zelda had come to the Mushroom Kingdom, and already she regretted coming here. The Mushroom Kingdom, in her eyes, was a silly place, with none of the order and dignity of her homeland of Hyrule. But she had to be diplomatic; this was the first official visit from her kingdom to the land of the Mushroom folk, and Zelda had to make a good impression. But right from the first day, things had gone sourly between her and Princess Peach. The Mushroom princess had scarcely spoken but five words and already Zelda could tell that she was a woman of no wit or intelligence, who spent most of her time blathering on about how much she just _adored_ Mario and how she just _loved_ the color pink.

Mario, that was what she had really come for. Zelda did not hear much of the Mushroom Kingdom in Hyrule, but word had come across the sea about a great hero named Mario, whose name was spoken far and wide with reverence. He was the one who had bravely battled the evil "Bowser" and saved Princess Peach from peril, no doubt earning great honor and renown in the process. But when Zelda had first seen that great hero of whom she was so curious to meet, her expectations were swiftly dashed. Mario was a short, rather overweight, and altogether ridiculous-looking man, perpetually accompanied by his green-clad brother whose name Zelda could never remember, and at once she could tell that Mario's brother was an altogether useless little man who would never amount to anything in his life.

_At least Link's here with me._ It was so rare that they could find time to be together, but Zelda was hardly in the mood for romance. The Mushroom Kingdom was too much of...well...everything for her. The bright, colorful landscape stung her eyes, and Princess Peach's castle was the most wretchedly appointed "castle" she had ever had the displeasure of staying at. There were no guards, no sentries, not even locks on the doors, so it was no surprise when Zelda woke up this morning to find that "Bowser" had swooped in during the night and taken Princess Peach. Zelda had tried to argue with the princess's retainers that none of this would have happened if they'd only hire some more guards, but they had simply looked at her as though she had just claimed the sky was green.

"Now, before Mario can go get Peach back," Toad continued, "he's gotta find a Super Mushroom."

"And why is that?" Zelda asked.

"Well, before Mario can fight Bowser, he's gotta get Super. He'd be a damn fool to face Bowser without being Super. All it takes is one hit and bam! He's a goner. 'Course, that's if the bottomless pits or pits of lava don't get him first."

Link looked on at this, but said nothing. Link hardly ever said anything. Maybe that's why she liked him so much; he knew when to shut up.

They watched with great curiosity as Mario returned with the so-called "Super Mushroom" which he began hurriedly devouring.

"In Hyrule, eating mushrooms generally kills you."

"Yes, well, things are a little different here," said Toad.

"I can see that."

"I must admit, though, Bowser's awfully uncreative with this attack. See, with him, it's always different. First time he was content to just take the princess to his castle, but then he started turning the kings of the world into animals and sicking his wretched spawn on us. Then he took over Dino Land, and after that created worlds from the paintings inside Peach's castle, and that's not even telling you about the time he flung her whole castle into space."

Zelda and Link looked at each other, wondering what Toad was going on about. "Just...how many times has this "Bowser" attacked you, anyway?"

Toad shrugged. "Beats me. I lost count at twenty or so. But Mario always stops him."

"But why doesn't Mario simply _slay_ Bowser, and stop him from attacking ever again?"

Hearing this, Toad stopped and simply stared at Zelda, before turning back to Mario. "Ah look, watch as Mario stomps on those Goombas over there! At this rate we'll have Princess Peach back in no time!"

"I take it Mario and the princess are quite close, then?"

Toad laughed. "Yes, they do spend a lot of time together. Personally, I think he likes fixing _her_ plumbing, if you know what I mean."

Zelda watched as Mario then ran towards a large green pipe, rather curiously sticking up from the ground. He then leaped into the air and disappeared down the pipe.

"What's he doing now?"

"Ah, I should have explained earlier. That's a Warp Pipe. They're our primary means of transportation here. 'Course, sometimes a Warp Pipe isn't actually a Warp Pipe, and it's really just a sewer line. Generally you want to make sure you jump down the Warp Pipes and not the sewer."

"So where is Mario now?"

Toad shrugged. "I don't know; wherever that Warp Pipe went."

"I see...So, what does Bowser do with the princess once he has her?"

"You know, I'm not really sure. From what I've heard, he's usually just throws her in a dungeon somewhere."

But this only made Zelda more confused. "But why? What does he gain by taking her?"

Once more, Toad simply stared at her, as if she had just asked the most ludicrous question imaginable.

"Well, anyways, would you happen to know anyone who might know more about this Mario character?" Zelda wanted any excuse to go somewhere else.

Toad thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, he's not a very pleasant chap, but there's a man named Wario who grew up with him. He might be able to tell you more...just don't let him sell you anything."

* * *

Toad's words were an understatement, as Wario was most certainly the most unpleasant character Zelda had met in a long time. He was ugly, disgustingly overweight, and with a foul body odor that made her nostrils slam shut the moment she inhaled. His castle was obscenely decorated with posters, paintings, and statues...all of himself of course, and Zelda now rather regretted coming here.

"Mario? Of course, he and I go way back," Wario said in his cackling voice. "He used to make fun of me when we were kids, and I'd beat him up."

"Really now..."

"Yes, and personally, I don't see what's so great about Mario! The man has no head for business! What does he do with all those coins he finds? Waste them all on pasta! If he were smart like me, he'd learn to invest them, and the he could double, even triple his profits!" As he spoke, Wario grabbed a tray of cupcakes and began shoving them into his mouth.

"So, you don't think he's a hero?"

"Hero? Pshaw to that! I could take him in an honest fight. Once you take those damn Super Mushrooms away, he's a pushover! And unlike him, I'd never risk my life for some woman! I honestly don't know what he sees in that princess. But I suppose even a plumber has his vices. Personally, I think the two of them enjoy making the beast with two backs, if you know what I mean."

"I see...," Wario's stench was overpowering, and she and Link were both looking for another excuse to get away.

"And then he's got his brother...I can't remember what his name was, but he's about as useless as they come! A bit like my brother, actually."

Link and Zelda looked at each other. "I think we should speak to Mario's brother, he might have more to speak of of Mario."

"Wait!" cried Wario. "You must try my latest WarioWare games! I promise you, that all those rumors you've heard of it installing a credit card number-stealing rootkit on your computer are _totally_ outrageous!"

"Sorry Wario, but we must be going."

* * *

"My brother? Well, it's his world, you know, I'm just living in it."

His name was Luigi, but reasons beyond her comprehension, his name kept slipping from Zelda's mind. It was clear that he wasn't anywhere near as heroic as his brother, and he seemed to twitch and fret nervously in their presence.

"People never realize it," Luigi began, "but Mario would _never_ have been able to save Peach all those times if it weren't for me."

"How so?"

But Luigi didn't answer immediately, and continued to fret about. "Well, see...my brother, he has to take all those Super Mushrooms and Fire Flowers and Bob-ombs with him wherever he goes, and see...see they're all rather heavy, so I...I help him carry it. Because, see...it'd be a real burden if I...I didn't...carry it. See?"

Zelda raised an eyebrow. "And...what else do you do, exactly?"

Luigi began trembling and biting his nails. "Well, uh, see...sometimes I offer him...uh, moral support. I mean, sure he's saved Peach from Bowser so many times, but I guess that...uh, sometimes he might feel a little down, and so...I...I cheer him up, I guess."

"And..."

"Uh, that's it, I guess. Oh! Sometimes, those overalls of his get rather dirty, so, I keep a few spare pairs around, just in case. My girlfriend says we look so cute the way I wear the same kinds of overalls as my brother." Just then, Luigi let out a long, loud, but trembling, nervous laugh. "Ha, that was a joke, see! I don't really have a girlfriend." His voice then softened, and his head bent down with a shameful look on his face. "I'm actually...so...alone...in this world..."

For the third time, Link and Zelda were now both desperately searching for an excuse to leave. "I wish I could have someone like Peach," Luigi muttered bitterly. "I tried asking Princess Daisy out on a date once, but she just laughed in my face! And when Mario and Peach go out together, they never invite me! Personally, I think he's hopping down _her _Warp Pipe, if you know what I mean."

"Well, yes, we really must be going. Thank you for your time Mr...em, what was your name again?"

Hearing this, Luigi's face turned red and he flew into a rage, grabbing Zelda by the shoulders and shaking her furiously. "_My name is Luigi, damn you! _Luigi! Luigi! Luigi!"

Link wrestled him away from the princess and threw him aside, where he continued to thrash about in fury. "Why won't anyone remember my name? Luigi! Luigi! Luigi!"

"We'd best be leaving, Link."

He nodded, and they hurried out of Luigi's house and into the street, though they could still hear Luigi screaming away behind them.

"Luigi! Luigi!"  
"Well Link, so far we've haven't heard very much about Mario at all, and I'm still curious as to why Bowser keeps taking Princess Peach. I think there's only one thing for us to do, and that's go to Bowser himself."

Link agreed, and they set out for the Koopa Kingdom.

* * *

"Mario? Well, what do you want to know?" Bowser said with a laugh, offering them glasses of the finest Koopa wine from his cellar. Bowser's fortress was an imposing, but strangely stately castle, and Zelda found it much more to her liking than the garish, gaudy interior of Princess Peach's castle. Bowser had shown them nothing but hospitality since they had come here, and she wondered if he were really as bad as everyone said he was.

"Anything you can tell me, really. Where did he come from? Who was his family?"

But Bowser just shook his head. "I'm afraid no one knows such things, princess. Anyone who's ever asked him only ever got "_But it's-a me!"_ out of him. Mario, see, he's not the smartest fellow around."

"I see. So tell me, Mr. Bowser, why do you insist on abducting Princess Peach over and over? What do you get out of it?"

"I take after my father, King Bowser Sr," he said, pointing a large painting of him on the wall. "Ah, what a magnificent bastard he was! A true master of the art of princess-capturing; you could name any princess in any land and he'd have her in his dungeon the next day. It's such a shame, the way he went, though."

"How was that?"

Bowser sighed, and looked down. "He got drunk on cheap vodka and choked on his own vomit. That's no way for a Koopa to go..."

Link and Zelda looked at each other awkwardly, but said nothing. "So, this princess-capturing, it is a family tradition, then?"

"Yes, but sadly, princesses aren't what they used to be! These days, they always have guards, or worse, they can actually fight back! Princess Peach is the only one dumb enough that I can still take her regularly." Bowser then moved closer and lowered his voice. "I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I've been keeping the dungeon cell unlocked every time I've captured Peach, and I'm seeing how long it takes for her to figure out it's unlocked! So far she doesn't have a clue! But Mario loves her anyway, I guess he likes his women dumb. Personally, I think she's seeking the five-legged serpent with him, if you know what I mean."

Just then there was a great crash from somewhere off in the castle, and the sounds of frantic shouting.

"What was that?"

"Oh, that'll be Mario, coming to defeat me."

"But Mr. Bowser, I heard you have thousands of troops at your command. How can one man possibly get through them?"

Bowser laughed. "To be honest, princess, my troops...they're all incompetent. I can't afford to train them properly, because the Koopa Kingdom has been running at a deficit since...well...ever." He turned and shouted for his right hand man, Kamek. "Hey Kamek, how much are we debt to the Bank of Koopaland, again?"

"A million billion coins, sir!" came the shouted answer.

Bowser laughed. "Like they'll ever see that money! If the bank complains, I'll destroy them, like every other bank that's ever loaned me money!"

Suddenly, the doorway to the hall blew open, and there stood Mario with a determined look on his face, followed by his brother (whatever his name was) cowering behind him.

"Alright Bowser, hand over the princess, and I won't be forced to give you a right sound thrashing!"

Bowser laughed. "Alright Zelda, watch as I attack him with my imposing yet ultimately useless _Fire Breath!_"

He took a deep breath, and unleashed a storm of fire from his mouth at Mario. Mario, however, simply ran around behind him and grabbed his tail, and began swinging him about furiously.

"Oh, watch, princess, as he turns my attacks against me!"

Mario then let Bowser fly through the air, smashing him head first into a wall and knocking him out cold. Mario then laughed aloud, looking on with pride.

"Another job well done, Luigi! Come, let's go find the princess."

"Wait!" Zelda cried, standing up. "Bowser's still alive! You know he's just going to come and take the princess again!"

Mario dismissed her with a wave of his hand. "That's not important. What's important is that my Peach is safe."

Suddenly, all of the stupidity and incompetence she had seen since arriving here was too much for Zelda. "Listen to me! Bowser's out cold; why don't you just throw him into that pit of lava of there and get rid of him for good? Then no more of the Mushroom people would have to suffer his attacks!"

"What are you babbling on about, woman?" Mario growled.

"Ever since I came here I've been surrounded by idiocy!" Zelda had never felt such anger in her life, not even when dealing with Ganondorf. "You don't put any guards on your castle, and you act surprised when Bowser comes and takes the princess. And Mario, I never saw you once doing anything heroic! All you did was stomp on a few Goombas, eat a few mushrooms, and then throw Bowser around some. That's not what I call being a hero!"

"Well who cares what you think? This is how we've done things, and how we'll always do them. Wherever you come from must be a very dull place."

Zelda could see now that they weren't getting anywhere and their words were falling on deaf ears. "Come, Link, let's go home. I see now that Hyrule has nothing to gain by establishing diplomatic relations with these people!"

With that, the two of them left, and that would be the last the Mushroom people would ever see of them.

"That was Link and Princess Zelda, wasn't it?" Mario said to his brother.

"Yes, what a strange person she was!" he replied. "Do you know that they were sharing a room together in the castle?"

Mario laughed. "Well you know how it is. Personally, I think he was exploring _her_ dungeons, if you know what I mean."

The Mario Bros. went home after that with Princess Peach in tow, wondering what the Princess of Hyrule had been getting at. _Guards at the castle,_ Mario thought. _I've never heard of something so ridiculous..._


End file.
